I want to make a zoo with you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
