I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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