Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
