I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Pants are for mortals
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
