Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
