How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
