My hand turned me down
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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