She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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