Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
