I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
