And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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