My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
