I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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