Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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