Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
