i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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