I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
