I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
