I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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