She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
