I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
