The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
