is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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