I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
