She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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