your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
