Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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