not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
