You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
