Cold hands, warm shart.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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