two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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