I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
