i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
