Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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