I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
