I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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