I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
