so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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