Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
