then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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