made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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