dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
