Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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