i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
