conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
