seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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