Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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