Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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