If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
