If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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