Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
