One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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