When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
