and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
